Written by David Dunne

Dailymoan – The article that refuses to see the beauty or good in anything

Author: Jim Belgium

After being turned down by various newspapers, including the DAILYMAIL*,  for apparently being too miserable. I have finallly been afforded the opportunity by GetUpTheYard! to give my views and opinions on our little world called football. This, my beautiful readers, is an opportunity I am going to exploit like an alcoholic at a free bar. JB

Thierry Henry and his ‘jazz hands’ on Sky Sports:

We were told after Manchester City’s mauling of Arsenal on Sunday, that if you got up early and switched on Sky Sports News the following morning, you would get the opportunity to listen to the analytical magician that is, Theirry Henry. As a pundit, Henry’s greatest trick is convincing Sky to pay him £4m per year. If you’re annoyed about your SKY Sports prices soaring, just remember that figure above.

Thirsting for inspiration, I too switched on Sky Sports News to listen to the French oracle. Truthfully – I forgot Henry was on, so it was an unhappy accident. JESUS CHRIST WAS IT AN UNHAPPY ACCIDENT. Quite frankly, if I wanted to watch a cheating bastard on telly so early in the day, I would have switched on Jeremy Kyle.

To his credit, it is hard to ignore Thierry Henry, no matter how hard you try. He’s like a toddler trying to garner your attention. You’ve no idea what he’s saying, you just sit there and smile awkwardly, hoping that he eventually takes the hint and pisses off.

When the World Cup winner was asked by Rob Wotton about Gary Neville’s criticism of Arsenal players “walking” around the pitch while 2-0 down, Henry proceeded to go on a baffling rant. All of this while saying absolutely nothing of substance. Even for a footballer, that takes some doing. Of course, no Thierry analysis would be complete without the use of ‘jazz hands’, just to show the audience that he isn’t just a con-artist and your rising Sky bills are justified. Finally, after running out ‘buzzwords’ and non-sensical gibberish, Thierry Henry, struggling for words of any pertinence, finished up with: “I’m more concerned about what happened before”.

Rob Wotton then asked Thierry Henry about perhaps managing his former club. This was met with mock flattery from the Frenchman. Henry concluded: “I get asked this all the time, just because I’m a former player, it doesn’t’ mean I’m going manager them, but it would be a dream” or something to that effect. To be honest, I was losing interest rapidly and possibly consciousness at this point.

Other than the above dross, the only items I could really decipher from Henry on Monday morning, was that we have “two eyes” and that Man City pass through the alphabet, which is from “A-Z” of course, thanks for clearing that up Thierry!

On a non Arsenal related subject, the ‘French Oracle’ wants Alan Pardew to stay on as West Bromwich Albion manager even if they go down. “What is the project??” is his argument.

Genius Thierry! Nice suit by the way.

“Tie a Yellow Ribbon around an Old Age Argument”:

Pep Guardiola’s mission to change the culture of English football has now reached political dimensions. The Manchester City manager has been charged by the FA for breaching Kit and advertising regulations. Guardiola, a proud Catalonian, continued to wear the ribbon during Sunday’s League Cup (I’m probably in breach too) win over Arsenal yesterday. This was despite being previously warned by the F.A. over wear the offending piece. The ribbon is not about the referendum for Catalonian independence, but rather about the imprisonment of Jordi Sanchez and Jordi Cuixart, who along with about 11 others remain remanded in custody on charges of sedition.

I’m confused, Isn’t this the same wonderful FA that fought tooth and nail with FIFA over the use of the poppy on their national team’s shirt last year? Anyway, what would Britain know about political prisoners? Pah!

Scott Brown retires from International Football AGAIN:

If you haven’t seen the viral video of Scott Brown getting up after two tackles in Sunday’s feisty affair with Aberdeen and ‘hulking up’ afterwards. Well, you’re not missing much.

I’m sure Burberry caps were lofted joyfully in the air and Argos gold chains rattled and pint glasses of Bulmers and Budweiser clinked up and down dodgy pubs all over Ireland and Scotland. However, whom outside of Glasgow and some dodgy Dublin pubs really cares?

Scott Brown has won 7 SPFL titles, 3 Scottish Cups and 4 Scottish League Cups. It’s a bit like playing FIFA on semi-pro really.

Dele Alli and that pesky trip wire:

Mr Alli doesn’t strike me as a person that reads a lot of books, ones without lift up flaps anyway. However, the 21-year-old would probably benefit from reading one of Aesop’s Fables classic tales, “The Boy That Cried, Wolf”. The Spurs attacker has come under some fierce criticism for his alleged diving antics this season and he was back at it again during the weekend against Crystal Palace. Twice he went down in the box and twice he was ignored by the ref. It might be too late for the lad, however; he really needs to get over that pesky trip wire that seems to pop up in the opposition’s penalty area. He may just end up costing his side a genuine penalty when he is hacked down without the use of trip wire.

Of course being English he’s incapable of cheating, he’s just being ‘clever’.

Mr Nice Jose:

Ah yes, Jose Mourinho’s graceful antics after Manchester United’s game on Sunday could mean only one thing for the Portuguese coach – a victory. Not only was “the cantankerous one” complimentary about his opposition on Super Sunday and supposedly buried the hatchet with his opposite number Antonio Conte. Mourinho even gave away his match notes to a lucky youngster in the crowd after the game. Awwwww.

Of course, if United had of lost, he probably would have called social services.

PS: Here is an exclusive peek inside Jose’s match notes*:


*May not be true or untrue.


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